There was a girl but she was just a head and arms. She needed someone to carry her around and everyone felt really bad for her 'cos, you know, she didn't have legs or a body, so they'd do it, but they didn't like to because she had this wicked knife and she was mean. Really mean. You'd keep taking the knife off her but, like magic, she'd have another one, and she'd cut you up good.

I get to go to a party at Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow.
Chuck E. Cheese scares the hell out of me.

My top Olympic moments were when Fumie Suguri caught the stuffed animal at the end of her short program, and when Eva Lund kissed Anette Norberg after they won gold in curling.

I'm always impressed by those ice skaters when they don't swear when they fall down. I'd be swearing my head off.

Bush is actually being a straight shooter on this one. How about that?

She had balls enough for the both of us. Let he who has the stones cast the first sin. She sat on the street corner gargling God’s word. God speaks to me in gasps and gargles. The sweet monkey of the soul. A pretty girl with a very ugly vagina. An ugly girl with a very pretty vagina. The year I became a coward. We’re all cowards in the womb. It’s a shame all my visions involve football. Show me. Slow me. Spin me around. The easiest wound to inflict. I’ve been cut but I’ve never been wounded. I wish this scar was from a suicide attempt. These wounds don’t count, as they were self-inflicted. The brain is a bastard. He never fell down but he refused to get up.

What the hell is wrong with Ohio?

From, of course, Warren Ellis.

Okay, wedding ring but nevertheless "Miss," thought Moist. Handle with care. Probably has Views. Do not attempt to kiss hand.

--Going Postal by Terry Pratchett.

Highly recommended.

I don't know how I'd look but I wish I could grow a handlebar mustache. Unfortunately, I can only grow an Adam Morrison.

If I freeze to death tonight I want you all to know that I've gone to a better place. Or I've become nothing. Or something outside the realm of human conception has occurred. Or I've been reincarnated. That could be cool. Maybe I'll be reincarnated as myself like Herman Vermin.

Peter Weller directed two episodes of Homicide: Live on the Street?!?

Paul Pope's Batman Year 100 is really good.
But when has Paul Pope ever let us down?

I was leading a team of crack commandos into the secret, underground, government run installation where they keep the plaster casts of all the senators' balls. Well, I guess the casts weren't made of plaster they were made of ice shavings like in a snow cone. Apparently, when you're elected to the senate they make a cast of your balls, you know, in case you lose your balls they can make exact prosthetic replicas that are practically good as new. I think the point was that we didn't want any foreign powers to know that our senators don't have any balls which makes perfect sense from a strategic standpoint. I mean, can you imagine the ridicule we'd get on the world stage if it got out that one of our senators doesn't have any balls?

One of the finest moments of my childhood was when I finally beat Impossible Mission on our Commodore 64.

The only way to explain this Dick Cheney shooting thing is if they weren't hunting quail but were instead hunting the most dangerous game, man. That's right, they were hunting human beings. It's the only thing that makes sense and it totally fits Cheney's personality. Their human target must've got the drop on them and managed to wrestle the gun away from Dick and use it on Whittington. It makes so much sense. I bet he wouldn't deny it.

See, what did I tell you?

Hot pocket.
I've got a ticket to see Jim Gaffigan at the Byham on March 24th.
I hope he does some bear jokes.

Back when I was religious, I went through a phase were I would eat sandwiches with only peanut butter on them because I thought that jelly was wicked.

My brother and I were up until 2:00 am last night watching the last four episodes of Arrested Development that Fox burned off during the opening ceremony of the Olympics. I'd love to see the show resurface at another network but if that's the end then they went out at the top of their game.

Observations from watching way too much teevee last night:

There's going to be someone (or two people if something goes horribly wrong next week) who isn't worthy in the final three on Project Runway. It was pretty bogus to make some but not all of them have to make men's wear all of a sudden.

Why have I never watched Home Movies on Adult Swim before?

Beatle Paul should've done Helter Skelter at the Super Bowl last year.

The best part of Home Movies is Walter and Perry.

Dear Ben Roethlisberger, a Jerome Bettis throwback Notre Dame jersey is not proper Grammy attire unless you're performing in a band.

With Madonna old and married, which female performing artist is a young, Super Bowl champion quarterback most likely to hook up with at the Grammys?

They'll both deny anything happened but then Kelly Clarkson will be seen wearing a Jerome Bettis throwback Notre Dame jersey...

A man of limited gender.

She said I was beautiful, claimed it was makeup, a special effect.

I have a very persuasive lap.

It's important to have matching soap and shampoo.

The joy had spread to his bones. He could feel his ribs smiling under his skin. His metatarsals laughed as he walked.

I only want poets to speak at my funeral.

I think that drunk guy on teevee said it best when he said:
"I love Pittsburgh. I love the Steelers."

Non-football observations from Super Bowl Saturday:

That Lisa Loeb show on E! is cute.

Nacho Libre looks like an awesome movie. C'mon, Jack Black as a Mexican wrestler. Gold. Also, one of the writers is Mike White who is great even if he hasn't been quite the same since the cops beat him up for no reason.

I should prove once and for all that I'm not superstitious and wear the Neil O'Donnell jersey tomorrow. Or I can wear my Ben Roethlisberger "The Time Is Now!" t-shirt because, you know, the time is now. I mean, this is exactly what the shirt is talking about, right?

Do what Warren Ellis says.

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter." -- Phil Connors.