He stole it all from me, even the way he breathes. He didn’t even know how to breathe before I got a hold of him. She was nothing before she met me, didn’t even know how to breathe.

Like sex in a teapot. It sounded like he was trying to jack off a teakettle. It sounded like an orangutan trying to jack off a teakettle. No, this was after he pissed in the teakettle. Boiled piss, hissing on the stove. Boiled piss, screaming on the stovetop. Like piss left to boil on the stove. They’ll be here any minute. You set the table. I’ll piss in the teakettle.

All the good little children have numbers in their shoes. They could only express his shoe size in Roman numerals he was so cool. Ancient man invented the concept of zero to accurately express her beauty. Zero on the absolute scale of beauty.

I don’t want much, just enough to kill me. All my calculations reach the same conclusion, I really don’t have a penis. I used to have an asshole. Used to stare at it for hours. Even if you don’t change your undies everyday you should check to make sure you still have the same genitals from the day before.

Even God touches Himself in His sleep. The difference is that the devil touches himself while awake. Also, God doesn’t know how to barbeque. I kissed an angel behind the porno theater. It seared off my lips. It was worth it. Angles don’t fuck around with foreplay. Stuck it right in me. Pain is the hillbilly cousin of pleasure. You don’t even want to think about the germs that live on the devil’s toothbrush, between the cracks in the linoleum of the devil’s bathroom floor.

By your logic, every word ever written is the infallible word of God. If that’s what it takes to get you to buy this car, then, yes.