It may be naive, but I always figured Deep Throat outed Nixon because Nixon was corrupt. I thought it would turn out to be a classic case of good vs. evil. But no, Deep Throat was one of J. Edgar Hoover's stooges and helped get Nixon because Nixon didn't make Deep Throat head of the FBI. It was petty revenge. J. Edgar Hoover's ghost vs. Richard Milhous Nixon. It wasn't good vs. evil. It was pure evil vs. pure evil.
But hey, it doesn't really matter anyway because Gerald Ford pardoned everyone anyway so the country never got any closure, right?

God damn Gerald Ford, Dick Nixon, and J. Edgar Hoover. Can't we ever get good people in charge of the government?

“People like you are too stupid to see
there’s no acceptable losses in the land of the free.”

Went to the driving range again today. My mother has come with us the last three weeks. It's cute--me and my parents at the driving range. But hey, my parents met at a golf class so what do you expect? Shockingly, I built off the success of last week. Started off with the 3-wood. It was flying pretty well. Sometime this weekend I saw a slowmotion replay of Justin Leonard driving a ball and I noticed that he doesn't move his legs at all during his backswing. And since my dad's been pointing out that I move my legs too much I decided to try and remove all movement. It was working. I've also improved my grip in the last couple weeks. My grip was slipping a bit. Today when I had my grip right and I would keep my legs still it was going really well. After the 3-wood I wasn't having as much success with the driver but I still managed to hit a couple good ones and most of them were playable.

Eventually we moved off the tees to the grass area. I've been able to hit the ball pretty well off and on off the tees over the years but I've always had problems hitting off grass. You can imagine how this has put a damper on my enjoyment of the game. It's not like you can switch over to playing on clay or the hard court. It's grass or nothing. Last week I was doing all right hitting a wedge off the grass and I was hitting the wedge even better today. I hit some nice high straight ones that carried a little passed the 100 yard marker. Then I was even hitting some nice 6-irons. At the end I was hitting some very nice shots with this strange, metal 7-wood. I may actually be out on the links in a couple weeks.

At the very end we were joking that we'll have to find a left handed-father-son-Pitt alumni tournament to play in.

Converting to Scientology is the ultimate sign of devotion.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Current music: Stiff Competition - Cheap Trick

Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.

"These pants would fit perfectly if I didn't have a penis."

The Oaks Theater's Midnight Matinee series starts up again this weekend. Here are some choice selections:

June 18 & 19:
“NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD” (1968) –
“They keep coming back in a bloodthirsty lust for HUMAN FLESH!” Directed by Pittsburgh-Shadyside native George A. Romero. One ticket holder at each show wins free passes to catch his latest “Living Dead” movie at Penn Hills Cinemas!
July 2 & 3:
“THE PRINCESS BRIDE” (1987) –
“Scaling the cliffs of insanity, battling rodents of unusual size, facing torture in the pit of despair… True love has never been a snap!” $1 OFF admission with your children’s book donation (to benefit local libraries and schools). (ALL AGES!)
July 23 & 24:
“THE BLUES BROTHERS” (1980) –
“They’re on a mission from God…” Starring John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, James Brown, Cab Calloway, Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin, John Lee Hooker… and many more! One ticket holder at each show wins dry white toast – another wins four fried chickens and a Coke!
Aug. 13 & 14:
“THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON” (1954) – IN 3-D!
“Not since the beginning of time has the world beheld terror like this – centuries of passion pent up in his savage heart! FREE old-school anaglyphic 3-D glasses provided! One ticket holder at each show wins a family-sized helping of fresh fish! (ALL AGES!)
Aug. 27 & 28:
“BACK TO THE FUTURE” (1985) –
“He was never in time for his classes… He wasn’t in time for his dinner… Then one day… He wasn’t in his time at all! Featuring Crispin Glover in one of his earliest starring roles. One ticket holder at each show wins an authentic radioactive plutonium trailer placard! (ALL AGES!)

Great movies and hilarious giveaways. The Psycho one is awesome.

Sons bring mom to the movie for FREE! One ticket holder at each show wins a new shower curtain!

And to top it all off they're also having an evening with Bruce Cambell and two nights with CRISPIN HELLION GLOVER.
I love the Oaks Theater.

Uh-oh, Warren Ellis is up to something.

I don't advise reading the "Talkback" section of Aint It Cool News but I've been amused by their take on the finale of Lost.
My personal favorite:

What really should have happened on Lost but didn't: ANYTHING!

I couldn't have said it better myself.

edit: John Rogers makes some good points.

Wait, that's it? It's particle effects?
Now I remember why I don't watch network television.

My prediction for the season finale of Lost: Mole People.

Toby Keith is such a badass.

When the most interesting thing you did today was eat half a sleeve of Premium Multigrain Saltine Crackers you're in trouble.

Patton Oswalt was wandering around Pittsburgh this weekend.
He went to the Andy Warhol Museum.

Current music: Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler

I filled a major hole in my music collection and now have many awesomely bad 80's songs to listen to. I remember taping most of these songs off the radio.

Current music: Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

Ah, Rick Astley.

I guess the filibuster thing has been resolved-and rather anticlimactically at that. I was sure there'd be punches thrown. Both sides appear unhappy. The whole thing was bullshit from the start so I guess it's only fitting that the end (OR IS IT THE END???) should feel weird. What I'm trying to say is I guess I won't be filibustering tomorrow.

Anyone want to go get ice cream cones?

Anyone want to go filibustering tomorrow?

A couple family parties ago, my ten year old cousin and I were talking birthdays. It had just been her older brother's birthday and we were trying to figure out whose birthday was next. We eventually figured out that my birthday was next and she was the next after that, June 1st.

At the shower today, people were talking about something happening next Sunday, but I didn't catch what it was. As we were driving away, I asked my mother what was going on next Sunday. She said there is going to be a combination Memorial Day slash birthday party for my cousin and someone else but the someone else didn't register with me. Eventually it hit me that my mother had said someone else's name as well as my cousin's. As we were driving, I was trying to figure out who the other person was. Who else has a birthday around now?
It was bugging me.

Then I remembered.

My cousin has a twin brother.

My cousin (no, another cousin) had her baby shower today. I helped my mother cut fruit for a fruit salad this morning. Cutting a fruit salad is one of my favorite things but this one was a pain because we had these two 'seedless' watermelons. 'Seedless' means lots and lots of white seeds. Yeah, you can eat the seeds while they're white but I'm a fruit salad snob, so if there's watermelon there can't be any seeds in the salad-white or black. After that, I was looking forward to a quiet Sunday of watching sports (which I guess turned out for the best because both the teams I would've been rooting for lost) when someone got the idea 'hey, lets have Nicholas help out at the shower!'. So I spent my day carrying stuff around and serving cabbage rolls. Baby showers aren't the most exciting affairs in the world but it was cute. I got a good meal out of it and ended up playing with my young cousins. I was playing 'red light, yellow light, green light, stop' on the sidewalk outside St. John the Baptist church on the South Side at one point.
All in all a good day and we've got lots of leftovers.

Luke says:
do we get to see a cameo from the young lando?
that's all i want
Luke says:
anakin goes to use the bathroom and he's like,
oh sorry, i didn't know you were in here
Nick says:
I didn't see him but I'm sure he's in there somewhere...
Luke says:
and we see that it's lando
Nick says:
and then they dance like in that episode of
Quantum Leap with the young Michael Jackson...
Luke says:
exactly. it's anakin who teaches lando the moonwalk.
thus bringing the whole series full circle

Back from the driving range. Last time out was utter crap. I was hitting everything into the ground. I think I swore off the sport forever a couple times. Today everything was going great. I was bombing drives and then I was even having some success hitting wedges and 8-irons off the grass. A light rain briefly fell and I just kept on going. I was like a real, dedicated golfer. I've got a puss oozing blister to prove it.

When I was younger there were three things I really wanted to know how to do: play the violin, ski, and golf. I've never skied and really have no interest to. I played the violin for a number of years when I was a kid but gave it up because I hated it. I wish I could still play. I was a stupid kid. I'm still plugging away at golf although it continues to vex me.

Tip #34 For The Job Seeker: When the interviewer ask you to "tell me about yourself" do not under any circumstances say "I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night. Although I have taken the form of (your name), I am all men (women) as I am no man (woman) and therefore (dramatic pause) I am a god."

The 2006 election can't get here fast enough so we can flush Rick Santorum out of office.

edited to add: Heh.

I think my official review of the movie would have to be:
"As a filmmaker, George Lucas is as clumsy as he is stupid."

Bad writing.
Bad directing.
Bad acting.
Not surprised.
Not recommended.

All right, I just watched the end of Star Wars, all of the Empire Strikes Back, and the good parts of Return of the Jedi. I think I'm ready.
I've got a bad feeling about this.

Space Oddity is to Rocket Man as _________ is to homosexuality.

a) Androgyny
b) Bi-sexuality
c) 22
d) Mascara
e) All of the above

Songs that reference Star Wars on my computer:

• Slot Machine - Superdrag: "I don't know what to do, to get those pleasantries from you, but if you'll be my Princess Leia that's okay."
• Bicycle Race - Queen: "Jaws was never my scene and I don't like Star Wars."
• Sucker - Self: "Yoda forsall this 'cos it came from nowhere."
  

I'm sure I'm missing some...

I just bought a couple tickets to the midnight showing.
There was a group of six highschoolers sitting outside the theater (at least I'd guess they were highschoolers. To my aged eyes anyone under 25 looks like an infant. Come to think of it maybe they weren't waiting for the movie. Maybe they were quietly protesting something, in which case, I'm with you, brothers and sisters).
Here's hoping the movie doesn't suck.

Our man in Japan checks in:

I just returned from the midnight premiere of “Revenge of the Sith.” Without giving too much away, it was intense. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get to sleep anytime soon. I’ll probably try to catch another showing this weekend – there’s a lot to take in.

We are nerds. My sister, who is in Florida, has her ticket for a midnight showing. 24 hours away. I'll probably go see it then too. With my mother. My brother in Japan is also going to a midnight showing. That means he gets to see it first at noon my time. Bastard. And it's my other brother's birthday. I'm not sure when he's going to see Episode III, but happy birthday anyway, Luke. You bastard.

I was voted best dressed at my polling place today.
They need to pass election reform. They need to do three things.

1. Insure that the election results are correct.
2. Make election day a holiday.
3. Make everyone dress up to vote.
   

A Half Windsor Knot.
And an ill-fitting suit.
So long, Alexander "Spike" Fredland.
My grandfather's little brother.
The last of my great uncles by blood.

I am a nerd. I saw Episode I twice the day it came out. We had to see it a second time because we couldn't believe how bad it was. I ended up seeing it three times in the theaters. I was stunned by how bad it was the first time I saw it, thought it wasn't that bad after the second, and after the third I relized that, yeah, it was that bad. I went to a midnight showing of Episode II. I've still only seen it once and I never want to see it again. Yeah, things are probably going to get pretty nerdy this week. I should wait to Thursday afternoon to see Episode III but I'll probably end up going Wednesday night.

I hope Episode III is good. I really do. But I have my doubts. Lets recap the best things about the movies to date:
Episode I: Nothing.
Episode II: Nothing.
Episode III: ???
Episode IV: Peter Cushing rolling his R's.
Episode V: Yoda.
Episode VI: Those crazy Skywalkers killing everybody.

Activity #5: Every Green Lantern needs an oath to say while recharging their Power Ring! Have your students each write their own version of the Green Lantern oath!

My absolute favorite thing about iTunes: When one song goes off (today it was Bed of Roses by the Muffs) and the horns come in from Superstar from Jesus Christ Superstar. I love those damn horns.

Have you faced discrimination in the work place because you or a member of your family is a Jedi? Maury Povich want to hear from you!

Goldie Hawn has the best posture in Hollywood.

My mother and I went to the St. Nicholas Greek Food Festival in Oakland for lunch today. I had beef stefatho, rice pilaf, green beans and zucchini yiahni, spanakopeta, and a salad. Then I had a koulourakia. Those things are so good. So freaking good.

I couldn't tell you the last time we actually went to the festival. It's been over five years at least. It was nice to see that it is exactly the same down to the yellow table cloths.

I look like a monkey.
And I smell like one too.

Arianna Huffington launched her Huffington Post web site the other day. The main feature, the crown jewel, if you will, of the site is the blog where a ton of people you've maybe heard of post their thoughts. The problem is I've never heard of most of them and if I've never heard of them I don't really care what they're saying. The other problem is that the posts are massive. I'm not going to read a 600 word post from someone I've never heard of. Sorry, I don't have that kind of time.

Today there was a post from David Mamet. I know who David Mamet is and I respect him, so I'm more than happy to read what he has to say. His post is also short and to the point. Who would have thought you'd get that from David Mamet? I'd read a 600 word post from David Mamet but it's probably best for him to keep setting a good example.

I went to the Phantom of the Attic in Oakland for Free Comic Book Day. I picked up the Comics Festival book for free (I got it for the one page of Bryan O'Malley goodness). I bought Stray Bullets 37 and Flight Volume Two. I'm about half way through Flight. It seems much better than the first one. The first one had some brilliant ones but also some stinkers. The second one has brilliant ones and the bad ones are still pretty good. Favorites so far: Solomon Fix by Doug TenNapel, Monster Slayers by Khang Le, Dance of the Sugar Plums or Last Month on Earth by Don Hertzfeldt, and, hell, most of them. They seem darker than the first go around. There's a lot of death and smoking. Go buy one. Then buy another one.

Tomorrow is Free Comic Book Day!
Yay! A free comic book!

Say today's date like a pornstar.
"Oh, 5! Oh, 5! Oh, 5!"

Every night I tie myself to the headboard. It's become an addiction. Why did I go to college? What did I hope to learn? You can't write good poetry without using drugs. Don't talk to me of robots, dear. You remind me of my favorite candy. You remind me of time winding down. You remind me of time running out. You make me want to build a fortress around you. You make me wish you didn't exist. You make me crumble. You make me hum and crumble. You make my heart hum and crumble. I am in an effortless pain. My mind sings with an effortless pain. I am alive with neutrons. I am just beginning. I am without end. My pain floats like a kite. My pain bobs like an apple. Less is good. I wake up alone, tied to the headboard, thinking of you. I've forgotten the feel of your breasts. I wish I'd kissed you. I wish I'd kissed you right. My heart beats in parables. I am under the gun. The air is greasy. Don't make me try to understand. You make me like it. My head is big enough for all of us. I am captain of this crapshoot.

In a week I'll be 27. When my grandmother was 27 she already had five kids. Of course, my grandfather didn't beget the first of those kids until he was 32. So.

Current music: Take Me - Urge Overkill.

One week until my screenplay deadline. I've got 75-78 pages depending on the formatting I'm using on any given day, but the story is all there. I'm not sure what else I should do before I take the giant step and let someone read it. Sometimes I'm tempted to erase all versions of it off my computer, destroy the backups, burn the print-outs, and forget about the whole thing. Other times I imagine accepting my Oscar while wearing a gorilla suit. Such is life.

Revised number of the beast.

Somebody better tell ESPN.com so they can change Miroslav Satan's id number. No, wait, id number 616 belongs to Richard Smehlik of the New Jersey Devils. Creepy.

I wonder what other Biblical numbers might be wrong. For instance, maybe Solomon didn't sacrifice 120,000 sheep to god. Maybe it was more like 250,000!

Current music: Caligula - Modey Lemon.

Frankenstein (1931), runtime: 71 minutes.
Bride of Frankenstein (1935), runtime: 75 minutes.

A moment of strength and a moment of weakness can be indistinguishable to outside observers, but sometimes a haircut is just a haircut.